![]() It feels like a confrontation to assert yourself, to draw a boundary.īUT it’s important. It can feel reckless, like social or financial suicide. “If you want to make more money,” they told me, “start turning some of these opportunities down.” (If saying no to minor social obligations is tough, saying no to money is the worst ). My speaking agent has told me this on numerous occasions. ![]() The irony of it all of course is that people respect people who say no, and being someone who is unavailable often increases your value. It’s putting yourself in a dynamic where the thing you’re already reluctant to do, is even more unpleasant. They won’t take anything but yes for an answer. Now they’ve emailed you two or three times, and you have to respond-but guilt is in the mix now. Instead, it makes it tougher to say no to the persistent folks, who by definition are the type who don’t pick up on hints or subtext. How often does this work, you ask? Hardly ever! So far above where most of us are.įor instance, I constantly catch myself doing something even worse than give a “maybe” when I should just say “no.” When there’s something I don’t want to do, I ignore it. Mark Manson and Derek Sivers have both talked about “Fuck Yes or Fuck No” or “Hell Yes or Hell No” but that’s like graduate level thinking. They hear it as “So what you’re telling me is that I have a chance?” The attempt to get out of it by being less than direct only entangles you in it more. When someone wants a yes, they don’t hear maybe as a no. The amount of times I’ve had to say no to my wife or something I actually want to do because I said maybe or yes to something else? Way too many. The amount of uncomfortable favors I’ve done or commitments I’ve made because I danced around my feelings or needs? Embarrassing. For instance, I don’t drink, but the amount of times I’ve let someone order me a beer because I didn’t clearly explain that? I’ve literally lost count. Because it’s about the hardest thing in the world for me too. Maybe I’ll email you when I get into town.Īll of this instead of: “No I really don’t want to do.” “No, I’m not going to settle.” “No, I just can’t.” “No, there just really isn’t enough in this for me.” “No, I am not going to give you a piece of my life.”Īnd that’s how you find yourself in places you don’t want to be, stuck doing stuff you don’t want to do, frustrated and resentful, overloaded and impatient, distracted and confused. You’re reminded with endless alerts until you say, yes I’ll attend your Facebook event (even though you have no idea who the person is), or yes I’ll read your book or blog post or support your Kickstarter (even though you might not have the time or the money).Īnd if you don’t want to say yes to those things, the only option is to say “maybe” instead-which is just a more equivocal way of saying yes. “Yes, I think that’s a great idea (when it’s not–it’s a horrible idea). ![]() In a “let’s all get along” culture, there are so many pressures to say “yes.” You have to say yes to extracurricular activities (or you can’t go to college), you have to say yes to going to college (even if you have to no idea what you want to do with your life ), you’re pressured to say yes, I agree that’s outrageous! (even if you’re not actually offended) You’re guilted into saying “Yes, I can meet next week,” or “Yes, I’d be happy to hop on the phone” (even though you know it’s not necessary). Say no firmly, clearly and loudly to stuff you don’t want to do. It’s about all those things and none of those things. The actual message is simple and has nothing to do with sex-anymore than it was specifically about meetings, obligations at your job, or agreeing to hang out with people you don’t like. Which of course is not just laughably unrelated to the t-shirt, it’s in a lot of ways the opposite of the point the shirt was making. Some intentionally obtuse bloggers tried to claim this message promoted rape. What did the shirt say? It said: Don’t Say Maybe If You Want To Say No. Because the line on the shirt is one of the most hardest lessons to learn in life–one that doesn’t come easy and almost always come from experience. ![]() This time it was over a shirt from Forever 21, which had a supposedly offensive and dangerous message.Įxcept it didn’t. Another day brings another manufactured internet controversy. ![]()
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